Confessions

Dear family, you know those jokes you make abou me being lazy, and how I laugh them off and you just keep going? Sometimes they hurt, I don't want this life. I want to be adventurous, I want to be fearless and a go getter I want to do it all, but sometimes depression and anxiety get the best of me and it's just to much to ask for. It's to much to ask me to put ornaments on the tree this year, it's to much to ask me to sit and listen to you debate about what color for your quilt. I don't mind giving my opinion but then listen to it and let me be. Sometimes it's to much to make dinner or make that "easy" side dish for dinner. 

You may never know how much I suffer because I don't want to ruin your perception of me. If I dissappointed you in that way it would destroy me. So instead I hold on and laugh at your jokes and push on another day wondering when it gets better. 

Is the high really worth the low?

This last week I had a few great days and realized I was actually happy and had hope again. I was enjoying socializing, actually followed thru when I told myself I was going to the gym. I chose the "higher" road. It was great. 

Until it all came crashing down today. "Without misery we wouldn't know happiness" or "the deeper the pain and sorrow the sweeter and better the joy is". 

Those are all fine and dandy unless you are chronically depressed and for every good day (as in you actually feel joy and happiness and like you just might make it in this life) you experience 10 numbing days and 3 really bad days where you think about how much longer you have to suffer. 

You start mentally planning out getting your life together so if that moment comes when you are finally released from this rollercoaster and downward spiral, your family and friends won't have the burden of finishing projects, paying bills etc. 

At 25 I am to young to think like this, but it happens. I look for an escape, fighting those demons alone day after day is exhausting. And while everyone thinks you have finally made a turn for the better you struggle to keep your life together. They have already experienced so much heartache and I won't add to it, I only know to well the pain it brings. 

Somedays all I need is for someone to take me in an embrace or just hold my hand look me in the eye and say "this sucks, but you are so strong and when you can't be strong anymore, I am here for you. I love you even if you are broken, because you have been strong far to long by yourself. This will end, in life or death but it will end. You have so much courage and grace. You are loved. You are more then appearance. The world will come together for you someday. Just hold on, take my hand it will be alright." And then just let me sob since I have needed that moment and I realize I am not alone, all I have fought has not been in vain, there is a reason and a purpose behind all this suffering. 

Don't tell me in those words because that is shoving me aside. I am worth something more then my body. Somedays I think, if I can't make happiness for me then maybe I am just good enough to bring others physical pleasures. Even though I know that is my inner demons it is hard to fight and validate me when everyone is telling and showing me otherwise. This sucks

Life gets better

Be greatfull