Hey, It's me again... do you remember me?

Hey, it's me again... sorry I have disappeared. You see I fell down a deep, dark hole. It was more than depression and anxiety this time. It was despair and hopelessness, wondering if I am ever gonna make it out for good. Fighting alone is exhausting, and after a while you think "why am I fighting?", I've lost meaningful connections, and relationships when I needed them most, why, oh this little thing in my head that freaks out when I am awake.

I watched Grey's anatomy season 2 episode 10(?) where there is a man who has been in a vegetative state for 16 years, and something happens and he is brought to the hospital where they realize he is actually semi conscious, and Meredith says how it would be nice to be like him, asleep for 16 years.
I agree to, sleep is where I am free, where it doesn't pain me and I don't have to deal with an anxiety attack.

I don't even remember who I am anymore, sometimes I don't even like being me, so why would others and you know they one thing that keeps me going? It's that I care about others pain if I left (that and I am to damn responsible and can't leave them with my debt). Isn't that ironic, when I have no one around to help me, and yet I am giving my life for them. I am living an every day hell.

I finally reached out to a psychiatrist but apparently there are to many others who feel the way I do and are seeking help (yay!) the wait list is 6 weeks long at a majority of clinics.
So in the meantime, I've gone part time and lost my insurance and I can't afford it on my own.

I am praying for a miracle, and maybe the miracle is that I get up each day despite the odds and chose to live.  I am a fighter, and if this disease wasn't so crippling I would be conquering the world, instead I am conquering ant hills.

Perhaps it's like any chronic disease, only instead of forming support groups we suffer alone (I don't know that I could make it to one even if there were groups). Which is again ironic... you take each day and as it is, and to serve others maybe its a quick text or phone call. Instead of something big like volunteering to help refugees, or make lunch for the homeless or clean join the neighborhood in cleaning the park.

My biggest fear is that my family will disown me, not in words but in pushing me out. Then where will I go and who will love me? It sucks to be a burden all the time. This monster is sucking the life out of me. I have died and yet my body still coasts thru life, day after day, week after week, year after year just craving a respite from the pain and the strength it requires to be ok.

To everyone suffering I say I wish you the best, may you find lasting peace, joy and happiness I have to believe it exists. I'll keep trying if you keep trying

Best Friends Forever ??

I was trolling thru pinterest and came across a quote "we stay best friends so when we are old we can have wheelchair races".

In my life I have had many best friends, and sometimes it makes me sad that not one of them has been my best friend throughout my whole life. Actually I always feel sad about that, people come into my life as I need them, stay for a few months or years and then we eventually drift apart going separate ways. Perhaps thats why I am more closed off then some people. It is exhausting starting the friendship process, opening up getting close only to have to do it again a few years down the road. 

Anyway just today I realized how lucky I am to have many people in my life who care about me. Many who have been there when I needed them most, whose lives and presence has changed me and likewise I have changed them. We have supported each other thru lifes crazy twists and turns. Maybe I am more blessed then I give myself credit for. Its not the life I would have chosen but it is turning out to be ok. 

Somedays

Somedays asking to be loved is to much, some days I just want to be wanted, maybe even liked. It's a dangerous line to walk some days I'm so desperate for that, that I seek it thru anyone. I'm not the happy person I once was, I don't even now that my family wants me beyond the fact that I am family. I live in dread that anyday they may decide they want nothing to do with me

Emotional female

Don't worry guys life is great! Who needs a man to make your life complete?? 

-answer I do, of course I love the freedom, but sometimes the freedom gets lonely. When you have an emotional day and you don't know wether to scream and shot or just cry because as a person coming back from feeling nothing you know you have to chose. 

I'm an emotional female with no where to turn. I drive my family mad, the boys crazy and make the girls jealous. On days like today it seems easier to just give in and let someone use me, then to go on this way. At least then I'll know.

Why I never came

To all my friends whose receptions, birthdays, concerts, games and hang outs I have missed, to all the guys who I cancelled dates on.
I didn't want to miss it, any of it, I never did. I wanted to go to each and everyone of yours events because you have been good friends, and because I know how important it is to feel loved and supported.

I never came because I couldn't handle being surrounded by people and pretending everything was fine, when in fact it wasn't. I woke up that day and tried to wake up for real this time and get out of bed like a normal person. I made it to the bathroom around 2pm to look at myself and say "who are you". Why are you not normal, you know how important this is, just buck up and do it. 15 minutes is all it will take.
But then the thought of getting ready for you ok scratch that, the thought of walking out that door and driving to wherever overwhelmed me. So instead I sat down, until I could make it back to bed and curl up while fighting my demons.
My demons that told me multiple times a day to give up;  that no one cares they have moved on and you are just part of their past, that you are to big of a burden, never share this side of you because not only will they be disappointed but they will come to fear you and eventually leave. My demons told me this is a never ending torment, my purpose in life at best was to be used for others pleasure, at worst I have no worth, no purpose and no hope. My demons told me again and again that the fight was pointless because it always came back.. there is only one end. But even taking that route I would be a burden, leaving family to decide what to do with my stuff, to clean out my existing room and finish all my unfinished projects.
So as I battle these demons I hid away, because that is all I could do.
My heart was with you on your day, with you celebrating your moment and your happiness. I hope you could feel it.
Love me

Does anyone understand me?

Somedays it feels like everything is mocking you. I go to church and they talk about how if you continue on there is hope & happiness ahead… You think to yourself where is your saving grace?
Growing up I was taught saving grace was for everyone, even when you thought it wasn't for you.
Today I realized, for me there is no "Balm in Gilead", no end to my suffering, if men are to have joy then where is mine? I am past broken, I have been beaten down, life has won. You feel so empty inside because you can't find that peace, I just want to not be a burden on anyone. I have continued on to long and can't find it in me to continue down this road like this unless something changes. I am to difficult to love, when its not the depression it is the anxiety, or the independence, or the boy is to good, or to bad. Does anyone understand me?

Confessions

Dear family, you know those jokes you make abou me being lazy, and how I laugh them off and you just keep going? Sometimes they hurt, I don't want this life. I want to be adventurous, I want to be fearless and a go getter I want to do it all, but sometimes depression and anxiety get the best of me and it's just to much to ask for. It's to much to ask me to put ornaments on the tree this year, it's to much to ask me to sit and listen to you debate about what color for your quilt. I don't mind giving my opinion but then listen to it and let me be. Sometimes it's to much to make dinner or make that "easy" side dish for dinner. 

You may never know how much I suffer because I don't want to ruin your perception of me. If I dissappointed you in that way it would destroy me. So instead I hold on and laugh at your jokes and push on another day wondering when it gets better.