Confessions

Dear family, you know those jokes you make abou me being lazy, and how I laugh them off and you just keep going? Sometimes they hurt, I don't want this life. I want to be adventurous, I want to be fearless and a go getter I want to do it all, but sometimes depression and anxiety get the best of me and it's just to much to ask for. It's to much to ask me to put ornaments on the tree this year, it's to much to ask me to sit and listen to you debate about what color for your quilt. I don't mind giving my opinion but then listen to it and let me be. Sometimes it's to much to make dinner or make that "easy" side dish for dinner. 

You may never know how much I suffer because I don't want to ruin your perception of me. If I dissappointed you in that way it would destroy me. So instead I hold on and laugh at your jokes and push on another day wondering when it gets better. 

Is the high really worth the low?

This last week I had a few great days and realized I was actually happy and had hope again. I was enjoying socializing, actually followed thru when I told myself I was going to the gym. I chose the "higher" road. It was great. 

Until it all came crashing down today. "Without misery we wouldn't know happiness" or "the deeper the pain and sorrow the sweeter and better the joy is". 

Those are all fine and dandy unless you are chronically depressed and for every good day (as in you actually feel joy and happiness and like you just might make it in this life) you experience 10 numbing days and 3 really bad days where you think about how much longer you have to suffer. 

You start mentally planning out getting your life together so if that moment comes when you are finally released from this rollercoaster and downward spiral, your family and friends won't have the burden of finishing projects, paying bills etc. 

At 25 I am to young to think like this, but it happens. I look for an escape, fighting those demons alone day after day is exhausting. And while everyone thinks you have finally made a turn for the better you struggle to keep your life together. They have already experienced so much heartache and I won't add to it, I only know to well the pain it brings. 

Somedays all I need is for someone to take me in an embrace or just hold my hand look me in the eye and say "this sucks, but you are so strong and when you can't be strong anymore, I am here for you. I love you even if you are broken, because you have been strong far to long by yourself. This will end, in life or death but it will end. You have so much courage and grace. You are loved. You are more then appearance. The world will come together for you someday. Just hold on, take my hand it will be alright." And then just let me sob since I have needed that moment and I realize I am not alone, all I have fought has not been in vain, there is a reason and a purpose behind all this suffering. 

Don't tell me in those words because that is shoving me aside. I am worth something more then my body. Somedays I think, if I can't make happiness for me then maybe I am just good enough to bring others physical pleasures. Even though I know that is my inner demons it is hard to fight and validate me when everyone is telling and showing me otherwise. This sucks

Life gets better

Be greatfull 

Treading water

I may be treading water but I refuse to sink" is my mantra but somedays I would rather sink and just let everything go as it may. Sometimes the good fight is to much to ask for. Instead I take a deep breath and wait for the moment, the day the week or the month to pass when I can surface again. When you're doing all this in your own you never get a chance to say "life is to hard, help support me today". Instead you wear yourself out more my being both the imprisoned, the jailer and the rescuer. 

I never realized I was scared of me, and not in the "omg he is so cute, there is no way I can talk to him!"

Instead one of my earliest memories goes back to when we were very young and my father got very mad at my brother. In my young mind I was terrified just watching it. He never abused it but still seeing that kind of power scared me. I suppose that was when I first told myself that men have all the power. 20 years later and I am still working on integrating the real truth into my life. We only have power over ourselves and those we give it to. 

I am a woman and have a marvelous power and purpose. 

I am defined

All my life I have wanted to have a term to define me, like dancer, or singer, artist or actress. Everytime it seemed I just feel short and never felt like I could rightly call myself any of those. Instead I felt defined by my moods and lack of moods. My depression took everything and what's more I am choosing to fight back, but no one sees that. I choose to be a fighter instead of depressed. Days are hard, nights are harder, but I'm still here for some unknown reason. I have never told anyone and maybe that's the reason I can't move on. I used to self harm but what's more is I have thought of (here I pause not sure if I really want to let go of this secret, but no I promised I would) I have often during my years of depression thought of ending it all, I have planned ways to make it seem an "accident". For the longest time I would say I just have to do this trip, I can't let so and so down, soon I lived to escape. As the days go by my reasons get less and less but because I refuse to leave with any sort of burden I stay till I am debt free and then I will find a new reason. 

I always lie on the dr questionnaire of have you thought of suicide, I guess what I am more afraid of then getting help or leaving is being treated as a glass ball instead of a human. I am afraid to let go and get the help because I have delt with it this long. I can do one more day

Keep holding on

This week has been one hell of a week. Tonight topped it off. I wish I could just break down and cry, but "I am strong" and don't break down. Inside I am so broken. My stress levels with finances are thru the roof. To top it off, I sent a payment for a trip from the wrong account, and with my credit card payment due tomorrow I have $0 to pay it! 

Does life ever work out and get better?? I keep holding on to the saying the best things come unexpectedly into our lives... When is it my turn to recieve instead of give? I just want to be valued

Turning point Tuesday

Life is made up of so many turning points in life. I feel like I have made one more, the battle has been called and all troops are recouping. We have yet to see if we have one or this is just a respite. I read an interesting study today on altitudes affect on chemical levels in your brain. I would love to see if things would get better if I moved to a lower altitude. 

I'm holding on to the belief that life is good and gives more than it takes, it has made a difference in small and big ways. 

Believe anything is possible and it shall be. 

Wednesday over the hump

Why am I so tired, like my brain is exhausted and I feel like I haven't slept. Last nights dreams where a little crazy, so maybe that has something to do with it. I mean dreaming that I woke up late for work, and then waking up from that dream thinking I was on time for work, and then waking up from that dream that I had gone back to bed and was late and then finally waking up for real is a bit exhausting to say the least. The other dream was a little closer to home. I was traveling Jerusalem/India with one of the few people I feel safe with. This person happened to be a guy, he was dating someone but because of all the harassment and what not he held me close and kept me safe. That is such a huge thing to me, if I feel safe around someone is a deal maker or breaker. Probably reading to many romance novels about the guy coming in and contributing what he can to an independent and strong women, letting her still have freedom and independence but being there for her as well. I think that is one of my biggest relationship fears, that I will have to give up one for the other… I can have a guy who is there for me or have a guy who will let me be free and independent…
Today I felt good mentally, like I am finally kicking the numbness and actually coming to life again. I pray that it lasts.

Today was a good beginning

You know the saying "it's never to late to begin again"? I decided let's give it a shot, somewhere along the line I just gave up and have gone thru the motions. Something happened yesterday that put a spark of life back into me. I actually feel alive! I want to fulfill my life. 

I have been on an emotional high today, I feel good, but more inportantly I am good. There is something I can give and participate in. I don't know what changed but I hope it is here to stay 

Sunday the 23

Today was good, I managed to get out of bed and outside to lay in the sun for an hour. I was able to open up just a bit more and talked to mom and felt like she was listening, and not just thinking of a reply. 

Having someone listen, like really listen is so validating. I want to be a better listener and contribute in positive ways. 

I went thru several pictures today from FAM trips, dad, mom and Brooke where all there it is was fun looking back at the year we have had teddy. Brooke asked to see some other pictures and it was wonderful to share, maybe that's why I feel so happy right now, we had an evening as a family. 

Saturdays

Today was flatline, we fought the good fight and we didn't loose. Getting out of bed wasn't a chore but it wasn't easy, we even managed to have a meal or two and make it out the door 2 times. We chose not to nap (despite being so tired) and worked on our to-do list. We even got that zipper fixed on our purse from Lopburi after almost a year. We even contributed to a conversation and didn't object when the quick run to the store became 2 stores and a Saturday night drive. Way to be alive one more day.

One More Day

My blog to connect with the un-connectable part of me, its time to do me a favor and share my life as I go thru recovery. You see I have a part of me that has been with me so long that even though I want to heal and let go of that part, I don't know how to be me without it. It's time to let go and embrace the new me, but that is terrifying. I have used that part as an excuse for so long, "I can't date/be friends because I can't even take care of myself." It is time to say goodbye.

There is a girl inside of me who wants to connect and to be loved, and wanted. But there is a woman inside of me who oppresses her, saying "don't burden others, they have their own problems already, and who are you to say that yours demands attention?" or the other lie I tell my self is that I don't want them to feel like I am needy, they will run if I ask of them, or my favorite yet "I don't want others to feel like I am manipulating them, because I know I posses a talent for that". 

Today all I want is a ridiculously large stuffed animal to hug and disappear into. To know that I am here, and not going to disappear or float away.