Wednesday over the hump

Why am I so tired, like my brain is exhausted and I feel like I haven't slept. Last nights dreams where a little crazy, so maybe that has something to do with it. I mean dreaming that I woke up late for work, and then waking up from that dream thinking I was on time for work, and then waking up from that dream that I had gone back to bed and was late and then finally waking up for real is a bit exhausting to say the least. The other dream was a little closer to home. I was traveling Jerusalem/India with one of the few people I feel safe with. This person happened to be a guy, he was dating someone but because of all the harassment and what not he held me close and kept me safe. That is such a huge thing to me, if I feel safe around someone is a deal maker or breaker. Probably reading to many romance novels about the guy coming in and contributing what he can to an independent and strong women, letting her still have freedom and independence but being there for her as well. I think that is one of my biggest relationship fears, that I will have to give up one for the other… I can have a guy who is there for me or have a guy who will let me be free and independent…
Today I felt good mentally, like I am finally kicking the numbness and actually coming to life again. I pray that it lasts.

Today was a good beginning

You know the saying "it's never to late to begin again"? I decided let's give it a shot, somewhere along the line I just gave up and have gone thru the motions. Something happened yesterday that put a spark of life back into me. I actually feel alive! I want to fulfill my life. 

I have been on an emotional high today, I feel good, but more inportantly I am good. There is something I can give and participate in. I don't know what changed but I hope it is here to stay 

Sunday the 23

Today was good, I managed to get out of bed and outside to lay in the sun for an hour. I was able to open up just a bit more and talked to mom and felt like she was listening, and not just thinking of a reply. 

Having someone listen, like really listen is so validating. I want to be a better listener and contribute in positive ways. 

I went thru several pictures today from FAM trips, dad, mom and Brooke where all there it is was fun looking back at the year we have had teddy. Brooke asked to see some other pictures and it was wonderful to share, maybe that's why I feel so happy right now, we had an evening as a family. 

Saturdays

Today was flatline, we fought the good fight and we didn't loose. Getting out of bed wasn't a chore but it wasn't easy, we even managed to have a meal or two and make it out the door 2 times. We chose not to nap (despite being so tired) and worked on our to-do list. We even got that zipper fixed on our purse from Lopburi after almost a year. We even contributed to a conversation and didn't object when the quick run to the store became 2 stores and a Saturday night drive. Way to be alive one more day.

One More Day

My blog to connect with the un-connectable part of me, its time to do me a favor and share my life as I go thru recovery. You see I have a part of me that has been with me so long that even though I want to heal and let go of that part, I don't know how to be me without it. It's time to let go and embrace the new me, but that is terrifying. I have used that part as an excuse for so long, "I can't date/be friends because I can't even take care of myself." It is time to say goodbye.

There is a girl inside of me who wants to connect and to be loved, and wanted. But there is a woman inside of me who oppresses her, saying "don't burden others, they have their own problems already, and who are you to say that yours demands attention?" or the other lie I tell my self is that I don't want them to feel like I am needy, they will run if I ask of them, or my favorite yet "I don't want others to feel like I am manipulating them, because I know I posses a talent for that". 

Today all I want is a ridiculously large stuffed animal to hug and disappear into. To know that I am here, and not going to disappear or float away.