Why I never came

To all my friends whose receptions, birthdays, concerts, games and hang outs I have missed, to all the guys who I cancelled dates on.
I didn't want to miss it, any of it, I never did. I wanted to go to each and everyone of yours events because you have been good friends, and because I know how important it is to feel loved and supported.

I never came because I couldn't handle being surrounded by people and pretending everything was fine, when in fact it wasn't. I woke up that day and tried to wake up for real this time and get out of bed like a normal person. I made it to the bathroom around 2pm to look at myself and say "who are you". Why are you not normal, you know how important this is, just buck up and do it. 15 minutes is all it will take.
But then the thought of getting ready for you ok scratch that, the thought of walking out that door and driving to wherever overwhelmed me. So instead I sat down, until I could make it back to bed and curl up while fighting my demons.
My demons that told me multiple times a day to give up;  that no one cares they have moved on and you are just part of their past, that you are to big of a burden, never share this side of you because not only will they be disappointed but they will come to fear you and eventually leave. My demons told me this is a never ending torment, my purpose in life at best was to be used for others pleasure, at worst I have no worth, no purpose and no hope. My demons told me again and again that the fight was pointless because it always came back.. there is only one end. But even taking that route I would be a burden, leaving family to decide what to do with my stuff, to clean out my existing room and finish all my unfinished projects.
So as I battle these demons I hid away, because that is all I could do.
My heart was with you on your day, with you celebrating your moment and your happiness. I hope you could feel it.
Love me

Does anyone understand me?

Somedays it feels like everything is mocking you. I go to church and they talk about how if you continue on there is hope & happiness ahead… You think to yourself where is your saving grace?
Growing up I was taught saving grace was for everyone, even when you thought it wasn't for you.
Today I realized, for me there is no "Balm in Gilead", no end to my suffering, if men are to have joy then where is mine? I am past broken, I have been beaten down, life has won. You feel so empty inside because you can't find that peace, I just want to not be a burden on anyone. I have continued on to long and can't find it in me to continue down this road like this unless something changes. I am to difficult to love, when its not the depression it is the anxiety, or the independence, or the boy is to good, or to bad. Does anyone understand me?