I am defined

All my life I have wanted to have a term to define me, like dancer, or singer, artist or actress. Everytime it seemed I just feel short and never felt like I could rightly call myself any of those. Instead I felt defined by my moods and lack of moods. My depression took everything and what's more I am choosing to fight back, but no one sees that. I choose to be a fighter instead of depressed. Days are hard, nights are harder, but I'm still here for some unknown reason. I have never told anyone and maybe that's the reason I can't move on. I used to self harm but what's more is I have thought of (here I pause not sure if I really want to let go of this secret, but no I promised I would) I have often during my years of depression thought of ending it all, I have planned ways to make it seem an "accident". For the longest time I would say I just have to do this trip, I can't let so and so down, soon I lived to escape. As the days go by my reasons get less and less but because I refuse to leave with any sort of burden I stay till I am debt free and then I will find a new reason. 

I always lie on the dr questionnaire of have you thought of suicide, I guess what I am more afraid of then getting help or leaving is being treated as a glass ball instead of a human. I am afraid to let go and get the help because I have delt with it this long. I can do one more day